Happy 86th Birthday Mom

Happy Birthday Mom miss you so much. Love you.

Ladybug

In memory of my Mom, I made mw and Tim some Ladybug pancakes. They were cute and tasty and I know my Mom would have loved them.

Memories

I joined an Air Force Brats group on Facebook. Some of my favorite memories are of growing up as a military family. One of the greatest gifts my Dad gave me was our life in the service. So many amazing places to live and the military takes very good care of the families who are there to support their servicemen. I used to hate it some times - all the travel and having to say goodbye to friends. However, I feel fortunate to have been given the gift of travel and that experience. It has made me the person that I am. I brought my Mom back here in 2015 to take care of her and it was an amazing gift for me to do that for her. When we brought her back, we brought a lot of her things that were souvenirs of all of those years of travel. Now that she is gone, her bedroom remains the same. All of those knick knacks there to remind me of her and our lives together. It's like stepping back in time. I love the comfort of walking into her bedroom and seeing things that I have known since I am a child. Her bottle of Shalimar on her dresser, her old jewelry box which always fascinated me as a treasure box when I was a kid. My Dad bought it for her in Thailand. I miss her so much but the her old room gives me comfort. I miss you Mom.

Happy 85th Birthday Mom

Today would have been my mother's 85th birthday. I wake up and she is always my first thought. I miss her everyday. Hope you are having a great birthday celebrating with Dad, Chris, Tigger, Calvin, Bisquit, Sam, Tiffany and Rupert. Took an oleander bush to your headstone to remind you of Texas. Love you.

THINKING OF MY PARENTS

Standing by the grill and thinking of my parents. For years, my parents would hop in their little RV camper and make trips over to Louisiana and Houston and Galveston for getaway weekends from the exhausting world of New Braunfels, Texas. They used to go gambling at this casino quite a bit and would always get these free gifts for frequenting the casino. They would always get grill equipment and camping equipment for gifts and then mail them to me. I have spatulas, tongs, lanterns all branded with the Casino's name on them. I went to look for a pair of tongs in the basement and came across the pile of casino accessories and decided that it was time to use them. My Dad loved to grill. My favorite memories of him are the Sundays when he loved to put on a couple T-Bone steaks and baking potatoes for us for dinner. I miss them terribly. I hated souvenir shopping when I traveled. However, I always would look for something for them when I was out and about. My Mom wouldn't travel cause of her heart but this was their way of thinking about me when they ventured out and about. I love that. I am glad I stockpiled all of these things for weekends when I can grill and stand here looking at the yard and sky and think of them with so much love.

Love Notes to Mom

Mom, how quickly a year goes by.  After four years of filling every waking moment with you mentally and physically, I still can’t seem to get my bearings without you and don’t know how to fill my time.   I think about you every day.  I have taken to writing letters and cards to you whenever I want to talk to you and put them into my journals.  Just like you used to send me thank you cards all the time that I saved, I save this correspondence to you to remind me of how much I miss you.  Last weekend, I had found this baking recipe of these pastries that I decided to make for Valentines Day. Pastry dough shaped envelopes filled with strawberry jam sealed with a heart also made of pastry.  Tim and I made them last Sunday so we could have them for this weekend.  I know you would really have liked them. So much of my time with you was worrying about what to feed you and making sure you had all your favorite things to eat.  As I made them - I thought of you - the pastries are called Love Notes and that is what I decided to call these letters that I write to you. To remind me of how much I miss and love you always. 

Mom and Christmas

My Mom was Christmas.  She loved the holidays and loved her family around her. She would go to so much trouble buying gifts and cooking for everyone for the holiday. I miss her so much right now. I tried to channel my best Italian as I prepared our Christmas dinner this year.  My Mom would always host and she made so much food that I always asked her what army she thought she was cooking for?  Lasagna, ham, deviled eggs, potato salad, baked beans, 7 layer dip, and so much more. She would start cooking the morning of at the crack of dawn.  I would fly in and start helping her but she did most of it herself.  She was never happier then cooking and entertaining for us kids. Here she is in our old kitchen in the late 70s - yellow formica and appliances and Tupperware that I have now which is still in great condition.  I miss waking up Christmas morning to hear her cooking and smell food already well on it's way for our dinner. I love you Mom.

We were in a small bookstore in Hobart near us where we shop for books all the time. I found this book on a sales shelf. I gave this "self help"book to my Mom back in 1990 when I lived in NC. My Mom was going through a rough time and it was meant as a gesture to get her inspired on a daily basis with just little baby steps that would make her happy. I wrote a note to her inside the cover page telling her I loved her. 30 years later, I found the book in her dresser drawer while helping her pack to move back to NY. I put it on my bookcase in the dining room. Somehow, it has disappeared and I have looked everywhere for it. 

I happened to see a copy of it in the bookstore last weekend and smiled and thought about her and walked away. Something compelled me to go back and look at it again. When I did, I opened the cover page and there was an inscription and it took my breath away. I bought the book.

Mom and Dad's Memorial Service

Happy Mother's Day!

The first weekend I brought Mom home was a mixed bag of feelings. Exhaustion, excitement, nervousness, sadness, happiness. We just wanted to make Mom feel at home upstate and with Tim and I taking care of her. I can't imagine what was going through her mind that weekend and how she felt. I just know how glad I was to have her with me and Tim and to be able to take care of her.  This was one of those perfect moments. Coffee on the back porch with Mom - gorgeous morning and she felt rested and content and I was so happy to have her with me and we just chatted about the garden  and the hydrangeas taking over the back porch.  I miss her terribly. I miss taking care of her. I miss having a hundred things to do for her every day. I miss the person I felt like when I was with her . I don't feel like I have an identity without her.  Our garden is now filled with memories of you - your gardenias, window boxes, and little ladybug garden shoes. Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  Tim and I miss you so much. My little ladybug. I love you.

Emerging

Mom passed on February 22nd.  It has been a rough month.  I feel lost and there are constant reminders of her everywhere. Some of the reminders are beautiful and parts are so incredibly sad. I can't look at photos of her at all. I am actually glad that we are postponing the service for a couple months. I don't know how I could deal with standing in front of people at the moment.

In the meanwhile, life proceeds.  My parent's urn was delivered.  I think it turned out beautiful. I walk by and touch it everyday and just cry. I am having issues thinking about putting it into the ground.

Mom's gardenias started blooming and the living room smells amazing. There are a couple months before the pots can go back outside. The smell reminds me of her and the shrubs she used to nurse in front her home in Texas.

I used to sing this song - "Mama, A Rainbow" to her all the time. It speaks to how much I loved her and would have given her anything to make her happy. The last week of her life, I noticed that someone had colored a rainbow and taped it to her bedroom wall. When I saw it, I cried.  After she passed, I took it off the wall and framed it. It sits on my bedside table. Somehow, my Mom had given me my rainbow that I had promised her all these years.  She couldn't have given me a better reminder of her love.

Goodbye

Patricia Micalizzi Freeman of Bovina, NY formerly of San Antonio, Texas and Mamaroneck, NY peacefully left this earth on February 22, 2019. She was 81. Born in Pelham, NY in 1937 to Rosamund Spafford Micalizzi and Andrew Micalizzi.
Patricia traveled the world with her husband and children and lived in Japan, the Philippines, California, Montana, NewYork, Texas and finally Bovina, NY. We feel blessed by her presence and gifted by the memories of the joy and laughter she gave us.
Patricia was predeceased by her loving husband Ronald Gene Freeman in 2013 and by her son, Christopher Shuford in 2005. She is survived by her son, Jeffrey Shuford and his partner Tim Nickel, her loving sister, RoseAnne Micalizzi Harvey and her husband Jack Harvey, sister

Natalie Murray, her daughter-in-law Christina Shuford and her grand-daughters Sarah Shuford and Chelsea Shuford.
A memorial service will be planned later this year in July at MacArthur/Hall and Peet Funeral Home in Delhi. Burial will be in the Bovina Cemetery at the same time.
Please visit www.macarthurfh.com to share a condolence with Patricia Freeman’s family and friends.

Funeral Pre-Arrangements Part Three

I am sure there are many books and websites devoted to preparing you for all of this but I haven't looked at them. Maybe it's time.

I knew this day would come as well. I knew it was going to be delivered. I was on my way to the post office and saw it from the road. I look towards the plots as I pass by the cemetery a couple times a day.  Suddenly, there it was. I slowed and pulled in the driveway of the cemetery.  I parked the car and just sat in the car looking at it.  It was a gorgeous sunny day. I got out of the car and walked over to the headstone.  The dirt around the stone base was fresh and there was grass seed sprinkled on it. I don't know what I expected and didn't know what to feel. I was overwhelmed simultaneously by sadness and the beauty of the day. It was a strange combination.

I looked at the surrounding graves and made a mental note to dig up some Shasta Daisies and Black Eyed Susans and plant them on either side of the grave before it got cold. I walked back to the car with the sun shining brightly on my face.  I got in the car, drove to the post office and picked up my mail.  I stopped by Russells and decided to get an ice cream. I guess I didn't realize that I had been crying in the car because Bea just looked at me funny.  Maybe, I just looked stunned or something? My eyes burned. I paid for the ice cream and stepped back into the sunshine and got into my car. I unwrapped the ice cream and started the car and drove slowly back home.

Funeral Pre-Arrangements Part Two

I knew this was going to be a very difficult day for me.  I thought I had prepared myself to go and make the funeral arrangements for my Mom.  Step one was buying the cemetery plots.  Step Two - to meet with the funeral home director and make burial arrangements. I drove over to Delhi to Macarthur Funeral Home and met with Paul.  I realized I had seen him before.  One night, as I was dropping some stuff off to my Mom at her home there were an ambulance and gurney out in front of the building.  A tall man came out of the building and took the gurney inside. Someone must have died and I sat outside waiting. I did not want to go inside and witness this.  The man re-emerged from the front door with a covered body on the gurney and loaded the back of the ambulance vehicle with it. That man was my funeral home director, Paul. 

Paul was a very nice guy, a little long-winded, but that was part of his charm.  Paul was great. We talked about the arrangements and picked out a burial urn, signed papers, wrote checks and got to know each other. He was so considerate and I got through the entire conversation without my lips trembling, crying or shaking.

I thought the worst was over when all of a sudden he asked, "now, what about your Dad?"  I didn't know where he was going with this as we had discussed the headstone and I gave him both my parent's information.  He asked me if my Dad had been a veteran and I told him he served in the Air Force and in Vietnam for 20 years.  "Then, he will get a Veteran's honor guard and burial," he told me. I guess I had prepared myself for my Mom but I was completely unprepared to discuss my Dad. My poor Dad's death has been totally upstaged by my Mother's illness and care.  I don't think I have been able to grieve for him properly because of everything I have gone through for the past three years. When he started discussing what the government provides Veterans, my chest started heaving and I started crying in front of him. I guess the gesture of kindness from any stranger at this stage in the game would have set me off but I wasn't prepared for this.  After I stopped crying, I apologized and tried to explain myself. He passed me a box of tissues and I have never been more grateful.  He was extremely polite and nice about it. I was mortified. We finished discussing Dad and I walked out to the car. I sat behind the steering wheel and didn't move for what seemed a very long time.

You Are Loved

I learned years ago that I would be the caregiver for my family.  I never expected this but you manage with the cards you are dealt. My Dad who was a really good guy was unfortunately not gifted with the affection gene.   Nor, the gift giver gene either.  I knew at a very early age, that it was going to be my job to overcompensate for my Dad and for my brother's when it came to recognizing my Mom for how great she was. And I did.  Years of rallying the troops, years of overspending, years of beating my head against the wall trying to understand what was wrong with the other men in my family.  Whatever, I did what I had to do.  I think my mother knew but never said a word.

When I was a little boy, I wanted to be sure that my Mom knew.  I had very little money and I think I was in a five and dime in Texas and bought this small piece of marble with the words "You Are Loved" on it.  I just wanted something to remind her that I would never forget her.

On Monday, I stopped off at the local new Tat shop in Margaretville and had the phrase inked on my forearm. I wanted something to remind me of her always and my devotion to her.  It's also there for another reason.  As her dementia gets worse, as she stops recognizing me and she isn't capable of speaking, it is to remind me that she is still there and that no matter what - I need to know that she still loves me.

Lunch with Mom 8-17-2017

Today was a gift day.  After being pleasantly surprised about a medicine change we made last week, her behavior improved for a couple days.  Then, it was like it backfired.  A week of exhaustion, sleeping non-stop, crying and depression.   I was so disappointed.  I struggled through her birthday because she just was so tired and wouldn’t open her eyes.  She had been extremely tired the last three days so I didn’t have any expectations today.  When I arrived, she smiled and opened her eyes and acted so happy to see me as if she had just woken from a coma.  I hadn’t seen this kind of reaction in awhile so it made me happy.  

Pizza, orange soda, and yogurt covered peanuts for lunch for her. Ham sandwich and baked chips for me.  Her eyes were open for a good portion of our visit which was a good sign.  She was talking more coherently and we listened to music. I took the opportunity to show her the birthday video where I had my family post videos saying “Happy Birthday” to her.  She seemed to recognize everyone and made comments.  She asked me to play some classical music and I put on some Debussy on YouTube.  As she sat in her arm chair, I sat across from her and rubbed peppermint lotion on her hands, arms, feet, and legs.  She really loves her hands being rubbed. 

I sat on the bed rubbing her feet and looking out the window.  It was a beautiful sunny day and there was this green Katydid on the outside of her window.  I had wanted this summer to be special with her and it hasn’t been what I planned.  She responded to the massage and she started talking and making jokes about her arms and body and we both started laughing. I haven’t heard her talk normally like that and make fun of herself in so long. It was my old Mom again.  I forgot how much she used to make me laugh.  I kissed her and told her how much I loved her. I try to make the most of these moments when she is aware.  I don’t know how many more moments like this we will have.  It was amazing seeing and hearing her like that. She commented on how beautiful the music was that was playing.  She needed to go to the restroom and suddenly acted modestly when I took her into the bathroom which she hasn’t done in a very long time. I left her and then came back to help her back to her chair and it was like the switch went off.  She started talking about a black dog and asking if it had been fed?  The moment was over. I got her into bed and sat there listening to Debussy and talking to her as she tried to fall asleep.  I stroked her face and hair telling her how beautiful she was and just stayed close to her.  She dozed off and I picked up the tote and lap top and left.  

As I walked into the grocery store to pick up a couple things, Elton John started singing “Rocket Man.”  

“And I think it’s gonna be a long long time

Til touch down brings me round again to find

I’m not the man they think I am at home

Oh no no no I’m a rocket man

Rocket man burning out his fuse up here alone.”

I started crying in the produce department. I cannot function. I don’t know what I am doing.  I went home and sat in the living room and watched the afternoon go by. 

Happy 80th Birthday Mom!

A Lovely Weekend.  My mother's two sisters, RoseAnn and Natalie, and my Uncle Jack and cousin, Eddie, all came to celebrate my mother's 80th birthday.  Tim cooked and baked for days.  Mom loved visiting with her family and we had such a nice time.  Tim made his awesome banana ice box cake for the birthday cake which was just perfection.  I am ready to open him a bakery.  My family sent all sorts of videos and Tim put it together for a birthday movie wishing my Mom birthday greetings.  We had such a nice time.

Lunch With Mom - 6/20/2017

It was a beautiful morning after so many days of rain.  I picked up an Italian combo on a soft roll for Mom and grilled turkey and swiss cheese for me from Crazy River Cafe.  Mom only eats a quarter of her sandwiches and I am just gaining weight from eating all her other sandwich halves that I take home.  I ran over to Wadler Bros. to pick up some 1x4x12s for the backyard pergola and then went to Mom’s place.  They moved her from the recliner near the window to the recliner near the hallway.  However, I think she gets more sleep by the window.  I dropped off the tote and groceries in her room and then picked her up in her wheelchair and brought her back to her room so the two of us could eat.  

News on the TV was all about the House election in Georgia and the young guy who died after his return from North Korea - just incredibly sad.  We ate and I talked about her upcoming 80th birthday and told her that her sister, Roseanne, and her husband, Jack, will be coming to visit for that weekend.  That really seemed to perk her up.   Her eyes which she tends to keep closed opened up and we talked about what kind of lunch she would like and birthday cake choices.  When I asked her if she would like lasagna, she said that that sounded good.  I told her that she liked my lasagna and she commented - “I like mine better.”  That made me laugh.  She is such a fussy eater and takes pride in her cooking.  She was always very territorial in the kitchen.  I told her that I didn’t know if making Italian food would be a good choice around so many Italian sisters and she smiled and laughed.  She was in a good mood. 

I mentioned that I had to leave early to do some work and she asked me if I had found a job and I told her that I was still looking.  I was laid off in February.  I talked about upcoming interviews and she suddenly asked, “does that mean we wouldn’t be able to have lunch together anymore?”  I crumbled inside.  I know how lonely she is at this place. I told her that we would go back to just weekends.  She made a face.  Part of me feels that this has really had an effect on my work life.  Part of me feels that she should be my priority and that I could put off working for a little bit longer.  I don’t know what to do?  I head home and take advantage of the sunny couple hours to put on the siding on the pergola and then head inside to go online and job search.  All I can think about is her comment.  What should I do?

Funeral Pre-Arranging Step One

I have been in the process of making pre-arrangements for funeral plans at a local funeral home.  There is no way I can get around doing it.  I feel that if I do a little bit at a time, I can make it less depressing and less impactful.  So, I have been biting off a little bit at a time.  Buying plots at the cemetery. Prepaying the funeral arrangements.  Now, I have to arrange for the headstone.  Each step seems manageable but it ends up being enormously painful despite the baby steps.

1. Buying the Cemetery Plots.  Originally, because my Dad was in the service, I thought my parents got plots and burial costs taken care of by the military but that turned out not to be true.  Also, the thought of ever having to go back to Texas even to have a service or pay my respects was just not going to happen.  Tim and I will more than likely retire here in this town and this house. I guess it makes sense to be buried here - unless it was on a cliff overlooking Positano or Barcelona or something but that will never happen either.

I arranged to meet the woman who sells the plots at the cemetery and drove down to take a look and discuss.  One of my pet peeves about cemeteries is graves that are too close to the road.  I don't want to think of myself as roadkill.  Susan, the cemetery manager, was very nice and pleasant.  The cemetery is in a very pretty location, centered in the valley with views of the ridge lines along Coulter Brook Rd.  I had been hoping to find a couple plots at the top of the hill but that is the oldest part of the cemetery and there was nothing available.  Susan showed me the next row of empty lots which were a little close to the drive but not the road.  I stood there and took 360-degree photos from the spot.  In my mind, I guess I thought - this is what you will be looking at for eternity - it better be a pretty view?

Dealing with your parent's deaths is also learning to deal with your own mortality.   Thinking about how or where you want to spend eternity is overwhelming.  I have researched different burial options.  Cremation with having my ashes tossed in the garden, buried in expensive Le Creuset cookware, your ashes mixed with bird seed and eaten by birds and then they fly away, biodegradable pods at the base roots of trees and assorted other ideas.  It is all too complicated and depressing.  I was feeling very overwhelmed and agreed to buy two sets of cremation plots - a set for my parents and a set for Tim and myself.  I mailed the check and drove Tim over to take a look at our future resting place.  All he could say was "nice views."  He takes these things less seriously than I do or maybe he just doesn't have his mind wrapped around it at the moment?  I get the deeds in the mail and take a deep breath.  Check that one off my list.

Lunch with Mom 6-11-2017

I picked up Mom to bring her over to the house for lunch today.  It was so pretty and thought she might enjoy the day.  However, she wasn't feeling so well.  We sat under the new pergola and had a nice visit, a little lunch and then I took her home.  Her gardenia plants which I have been nursing for a few months bloomed this weekend just for her.  I was very excited and they smell beautiful.  Hopefully, she can come back and see them soon.