It was going to be a nice day so I hauled my ass around for two hours to mow the leeching field this morning. I quit at 10:30 and called in my order for lunch to pick up sandwiches and salads. I took a shower but had to put on my dirty Levis and LL Bean rubber moccasins and they were covered in grass. I had on a Wal-Mart short sleeve blue plaid shirt and a baseball cap with Savannah embroidered on it from a vacation we took in February. I haven’t shaved for days. I carry over a tote bag full of my Mom’s favorite candies and snacks. Spice drops, swedish fish, gummy bears, orange slices, wheat thins, mango sorbet, yoghurt covered peanuts, a virtual corner bodega. She was alert today and chatty. We ate till she was full.
Afterwards, she asked if we could go sit outside and I said yes. She had heard that it was going to be sunny and 91 degrees. I have to allow myself to be very spontaneous with her these days. Some days are good and others are not. If she has a good day, I do anything she wants and stay as long as she wants. I got her into her wheelchair and took her outside. It was sunny, breezy and warm. I walked her down the driveway to the hill overlooking the mountain - the green hillside and the beautiful blue sky. We sat there with the sun to her back so she could feel it but not have it bother her eyes. I stood there looking at the view and realizing days like this will not happen very often. No need to get back to the house. Let’s enjoy the day. I wheeled her around the parking lot and then we parked at the edge of the entrance porch just inside enough for shade but still with a view of the mountain. It was beautiful and she really seemed to enjoy it. She sat there in her wheelchair. She was wearing this purple printed paisley knit top that my Aunt Gail had given her. A pair of jeans and pink and grey slip on sneakers that Tim had bought for her for her birthday last year. Her hair was pulled back into a pony tail tied with a purple elastic cord that matched the color in the knit top. She closed her eyes and rested her head on her hands and we felt the sun and breeze and watched the white clouds move across the sky. This elderly man pulled up in a car and we watched him as he pulled out the walker in the back seat to help his wife walk into the nursing home. I won’t begin to think about being separated from your partner because you are too old to take care of your loved ones. I stop the thought. I close my eyes to feel what my Mom is feeling. People come and go from the door to the nursing home and circle around the two of us sitting there together dead center in the walkway. I had walked into the lobby and grabbed a chair so I could sit with her outside. We sat there and I held her hand and stroked her hair and we talked about how smooth her hands felt after I had put hand lotion on them the day prior. We talked about how we could do this all summer. We watched the large cloud shadows move across the parking lot asphalt and across the mountain in our view. People came and went. She got sleepy and we decided to go in for a nap. Before we moved inside, I wrapped my arms around her from behind and told her that I loved her and what a nice lunch we had had. I smelled her hair and told her that she smelled good. Shampoo and Red Door perfume. I put her into bed, asked her what she wanted for lunch the next day, kissed her head, told her I loved her and picked up my tote and left. The minute the elevator hit the lobby, the tears started falling. I have no control over my tear ducts these days. I walk past the elderly man in the lobby sitting by himself reading a newspaper. He has no where to go or anyone to be with and there is no place to sit upstairs with all the patients where his wife must be.
I get home and make a drink. It's 2 pm. It's hot outside and there are these vampire-like little flies biting me for the past three days. It's going to be a long afternoon.
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