You Are Loved

Years ago when I was in middle school. I went to a 5 and Dime store to buy my mother a gift. At a very early age, I realized that it was going to be up to me to make sure my Mom knew that someone always cared for her. My Dad was a typical military type guy - not very affectionate, wasn’t very demonstrative, and sometimes could be cruel. He would often forget birthdays, and holidays and anniversaries. I got used to it but my mother never did. Unfortunately, my brothers took after him in this forgetful, cruel way. Thus, for my entire life, I have made a point of overcompensating for the three of them on every birthday, Mother’s Day, Holiday and even anniversary. I never wanted my mother to ever think she had been forgotten. When I moved away from home - the guilt of being separated from her made it even worse. I hated to hear her tell me that my brothers had forgotten to call her on her birthday. Or, my father on a particularly stupid moment walked into a Hallmark store with her and handed her a card. He had her read it and then told her “now I don’t have to buy you the card.” Sometimes, stupid was too nice a word for him. I loved my Dad but sentimentality was not his strength.  

I have spent a lifetime trying to shield my Mom from any more thoughtless forgetfulness and in a manner that was at times obsessive - made sure that if they weren’t capable of recognizing her worth - that I would. Now that it is just the two of us and with her in the nursing home, I feel completely hopeless at protecting her or overcompensating in a way that would make up for what she has gone through or what she is going through.  

At a very early age, I ransacked that 5 and Dime for the perfect gift with what little allowance money I had. I came across this tiny chunk of marble with the words “You Are Loved” imprinted on it and thought this would be the perfect gift. Some 40 plus years later, this little rock now sits in my house to remind me of a lifetime of trying to prove and show my love for her. Like always for me, it just doesn’t seem enough.